To many times do I see an image, in my head, or out in nature, and think, “oh yeah this would be a really cool picture.” Or, “aw I love this moment with Everyone, I want to capture it.”
But its almost just as soon as I have these thoughts or I reach for my camera, that this inner voice creeps up behind and belittles me. It says, “why? Why would anyone want to see that photo? No one sees what you see, no one cares about photos, let alone one you took.” Or, “you know everyone here will look at you if you get your phone out now. This isnt the place.” Or, one that constantly goes through my head, “Time with loved ones isn’t supposed to be seen through a lens.”
When I say this voice comes every time I have these thoughts to take a photo, I mean nine times out of ten it somehow pushes its way to the front of my brain and now its all I can hear or think about.
So about five times out of ten I will listen to it. I will stop myself from setting something up to take a photo of it or I’ll stop myself from grabbing my phone, just so I don’t get “looks”.
Five times out of ten.
I know that’s doesn’t sound like a lot but that’s fifty percent of the time ladies! Fifty percent of the time I dont “capture the moments”. Fifty percent of the time I don’t “create something cool” to take a picture of it. Fifty percent of the time I second guess myself.
Fifty percent of the time I let myself down.
Does this sound familiar?
Does this voice sound like something you’ve heard before, or maybe a version of it?
Since about the 90s technology and specially phones have blown up. I went from this little black phone, no bigger than my 10 year old selfs hand; that had no camera, no games, no internet, and even with texting I still didn’t cause, well, one I was 10 and texting wasn’t “super cool” just yet, and two, I had no Friends. Okay so probably should have started with the no friends one as that’s probably why it wasnt “super cool” to me back then. But my point is, I grew up while all this was getting big, so of course our families were trying to teach us the values of having a phone. The responsibility it came with. The dangerous that people were now an internet click away and visa versa. The, “if you click that internet button one more time this month!” talks my mother always had with me. And how this was only supposed to be a better way to connect. A better way of staying in contact with each other. It wasn’t meant for fun, or social media scrolling. Mostly cause there wasn’t any media platforms, well besides Myspace, and lets admit it…we all let Tom down. But these phones, all this new technology was mostly for business people. it was meant for people who really needed to stay connected to their jobs, and their businesses. Now yes, after a couple years almost everyone had one and you used it to connect to family members better. So when phones started to come with cameras, when you could actually start taking photos with people right there; good golly Mrs. Dolly, everyone and their mothers started taking photos! I remember my Moms first camera phone, the old at&t silver flip phone. This thing was like magic, I would steal it to take photos of our new puppy, or wherever we went for vacation we would get photos. So this inturn became the new normal. From disposal cameras to these handy dandy pocket cameras!
Still though, with taking photos being a new norm for everyone, we were still taught, “you live in the moment.” How were you to actually know what’s going on, or how were you to truly enjoy a moment if you looked at it through a lens.
Maybe it was just my family, maybe it was honestly just me, but whatever the reason I have no made a habit of second guessing myself every time I wanted a photo of something or someone.
I second guessed my moments.
Ladies, do you hear that…
I second guessed my moments.
How much anxiety does that sentence give you?
I wouln’t wish that apon my worst enemy, to second guess their own moments, their own thoughts, and feelings.
Okay, so let me pause here and tell you, yes, I have social media. Yes, I take lots of photos. Yes, I still post about things I like, about family and friends and all that good jazz. But I am still working on myself, I constantly try to be a little better than the day before so I can do these things, or at least have the courage too. I can sit up in my house all day and take photos and make post but it’s going out in public, its being around others and wanting to take the photos out there that I struggle with. I second guess myself so much out in public already.
If you ever met me or have met me and I seem totally cool on the outside, just know I’m internally Contemplating what I say next, or freaking out cause I just made a weird face without thinking and someone saw.
Now I know times have changed, really weird for a twenty five year old to say, but I know everyone is on there phones more now than ever. I know so many people, photographers, businesses, even kids use their phones for photos and videos and heck, even creating whole new businesses, but we all struggle with what people think at times. I struggle with my own internal self saying how no one would think my work was cool, or how family would think I was weird for always wanting to take photos of everything. And truth be told, yeah people probably do judge, my friends and family probably do have thoughts as to why I want photos but its not for them. My photos, my work I created isn’t for them! It’s taking something I have in my head and making it real. It’s making myself smile and feel good for doing something I wanted to do. Like this message to you. I tried to take a photo this morning of my relaxing spot, cause ya know it made me happy, and that’s when I heard the voice. So I stopped, then I thought, “why am I doing this to myself?” I am literally the only one here and I’m making my own self feel horrible for simply taking a photo of what made me smile? So in the midst of my morning routine I stopped to write this message cause it was in my head and I felt like it needed to come out. It helps make me feel better to express these thoughts. I dont know, maybe it’ll help you too? Maybe it’ll help encourage you that it doesnt matter for anyone but you what you allow yourself to do, to feel, to think and express. Maybe this will help spark a fire to go express yourself in any way that makes you smile. Maybe you send this to a friend cause thats your way of expressing and helping others. I don’t know, maybe you don’t do anything.
And really, that is perfectly okay too.
I wrote this to help myself, to give myself encouragement and to help fuel my spark. I wrote this to let the voice in my own head know, “I will no longer allow you to make me second guess myself.”
So here’s to the other fifty percent I will no longer miss to capture. The fifty percent I will no longer even acknowledge the others around so I can keep my smile while I sneak a shot of my husband’s crazy face.
If we all did fifty percent more of whatever scared us, or made us uncomfortable. Heck, if we even did ten percent more of that could you imagine the work we would see? The new photos, the new books, new architect, new fashion designs, new recipes, new diy crafts? If we all did just fifty, or even ten, percent more of whatever scared us, whatever that little voice is making you second guess, could you just imagine what we would see in the next five years? The next ten?
Our world needs growth to live, it needs new in order to maintain the old. Without new we become nothing but faint memories of the “what use to be”. We need that fifty percent to create something that our kids, our grandkids use to help shape their lives and world.
We are meant to help build up each other.
We need each other.
We need you. Your Fifty percent. Your ten percent. Our world need what makes you smile too.
Healing House & Home 